Threesome

The problem to saying "yes" to everyone I rejected...is EXACTLY why last night went the way it did. I'm still bruised, and not in a Dr. Phil, touchy-feely emotional kind of way. I mean that I still have black and blue spots on my legs and back from wrestling with Helen during what was supposed to be a nice and normal threesome, although some of that black and blue might still be left over from when I got bored and played tic tac toe on my leg with two different colored sharpies. Hmm, didn't think about that...

The worst part? I totally lied to Brooke. The only reason I'm even blogging about this and being honest is because she's out of town at a knitting retreat for the next couple days so she won't be able to read the truth (she only reads my blogs over my shoulder, as I'm typing them). But good God did last night suck.

Where was the passion? The romance? The sisterhood of...traveling pants? I dunno. I thought you worked together during a threesome and that it was supposed to be about, you know. The girls. Isn't sex always about the girl?

Apparently not, as Ted can now confirm. Helen and I sat there totally bored as he scrolled through his cell phone and probably called every single friend of his to brag about being in a threesome, and this is when he didn't even do anything with us. He even called his MOTHER. Ew. And I thought I had problems with boundaries.

The back story here, as you can probably guess, is that once upon a happier time Helen and Ted were all happy and in love and whatever. And they asked me to join them in a threesome, Ted asking because I think he wanted to be able to sleep with a girl without calling it cheating, Helen asking because I think she wanted to prove to Ted how "secure" she was in the relationship. Good luck with that, kids. You can tell how well that one was gonna end up, because after I gave a very polite "thanks but not ever, please leave," they broke up a few months later.

So here I am, on a one woman journey to change my luck with dating and figure out what the hell I missed the first time around, and word gets around that I'm dating everyone I rejected. Apparently that guy from the Chess Club in high school was more bitter than I thought, so he posted it on Craigslist. Thanks, little chess club tweako. Remind me to kick your ass again when we go on our date.

At any rate, Ted calls me up. Am I interested in the threesome now? he wants to know. And of course, I have to say yes. And then he suggests having a threesome with somebody else, NOT Helen, which breaks my rules, but it doesn't matter anyways because apparently Helen had sneaked into Ted's apartment and was living in his closet for a few days before he noticed and overheard the entire conversation. So great, we were all agreed, after Helen stopped wailing and making that god-awful whimpering noise. Threesome. His (and used to be hers, she loved pointing that out) place. 8 pm. Good times would be had by all. I ordered pizza to get in the mood. And then made Ted and Helen pay out of what was remaining in their joint checking account.

So fine, great, we order pizza, Helen discovers Ted's eHarmony account and we spend a good forty minutes calming her down, Ted has doubts, Helen is desperate and is no longer bothering to conceal the fact that she HATES ME AND WANTS ME DEAD (anyone detect a small problem here?) and we decide that it's a good idea to do this.

Want a recap in less than thirty seconds? Great. Because that's about how long it took, real-time, for Ted to get turned on and then orgasm. THIRTY SECONDS. I'VE SEEN GOLDFISH TAKE LONGER.

Meanwhile, Helen and I kind of got in a fight, meaning that she shoved me up against a wall after pulling my hair and smacking me in the face. And yes, true, I did technically break her finger, but she had it coming.

So that happened. My first (and hopefully last) threesome. Totally not erotic. Completely unsatisfying. And absolutely nothing like the movie "Wild Things."

What a bummer.